A diary...

Early Days: before the lockdown

I write about my world:  it wasn’t an easy start to the year.  There was so much to say and I have had to cut it down. Some people will know that my daughter has terminal cancer, which was first diagnosed about 6 years ago.

On 27 February I attended the cremation of the partner of one of my oldest friends – she died of ovarian cancer just as the virus was emerging.

I was aware of the virus in China, etc.  My life however was mainly enjoyable with friends etc, my good solid relationship with Alison and the fact that I think I am fairly grounded and stable in life.

My first real awareness of the world changing was on 2 March, when we met friends for a walk along the canal from Hackney to Kings Cross and I remember our joking about touching elbows.  We stopped for coffee in Broadway Market and I noticed how crowded it was. I was relieved we were a group of 4 and so had an area to ourselves – whereas Alison was just concerned we mightn’t get a seat

In the next two weeks, we had a few social engagements which went ahead more or less normally but with an increasing undercurrent of uncertainty whether we should have been going ahead at all.  We did, with the new normal of social distancing

On 17 March I cancelled a hospital appointment out of fear of the virus.

On 18 March we cancelled runs from the Seymour for the first time.  Hans Ho and I had planned a ‘bag drop’ in the park but called it off as we thought it wrong to encourage people to travel. That evening Elizabeth Ayres waited in the bag room for anyone who hadn’t realised there were no runs.

Start of the lockdown

After the lockdown became formal Alison and I moved quickly and established the Canning Road Good Neighbours (GN) plan.  About 80% of the street were already in an email group which we suggested they use to ask for help if needed and we gave everyone a sign they could put in the window if they weren’t on email.  We are fortunate to have a spare room which we set up with paracetamol and other supplies.  We created a place to leave food outside and agreed we would use the room for distancing if one of us became ill.  I even started studying the SAS handbook…we haven’t needed it so far, fortunately.

I started shopping every morning, for two elderly, sheltered neighbours which I continue to do, to my great pleasure.  I have mastered the art of donning of mask and gloves and never use cash.  The morning shop gives me an important structure at the start of the day. The other regular morning fixture became a short mindfulness practice on line with an ex-Serpie, now a mindfulness teacher based in Scotland. Another regular is the weekly Thursday street cheer for the NHS and other key workers, with banging lids, whistles and a guitar.  The neighbours have become the people we see most regularly IRL, as they say….  

Now

Running

Since the start of the lockdown I’ve continued running daily, with a variety of runs. I’m not interested in time trials, but have followed my fancy and my tendency to go ‘off piste’, without a planned destination.  I like to stop and look at trees and views, enjoying the cleaner air, following my principle that ‘’unless it’s fun, it’s better left undone.’’  I’ve also been able to encourage some of the neighbours, including one in her mid 70s, to start running.  My longer run has been to my daughter, keeping my distance, after helping with her shopping.

Anger

It’s not all been smooth sailing. While most people locally keep the right distance, I occasionally encounter people who think it’s unnecessary or doesn’t apply to them. This has led me to bouts of real anger and once nearly came to blows.  I have decided that holding onto anger was like holding a hot coal which eventually burns you and scars you emotionally – better to ‘get mad, then get over it’ and I use my mindfulness training, especially the Loving Kindness meditations which involves repeating over and over ‘’May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering’’. This can be mentally directed at anyone, someone you love, a casual acquaintance or someone with whom you feel really angry – look it up if you are interested.

When young I was taught that when you give, you always get back. As St Francis of Assisi said, ‘’For it is in giving that we receive.’’  At this difficult time, I am trying to focus on this, which has been my experience at the running club and other aspects of my life. It is much more important than minor irritations. 

Small pleasures

Tea in bed, favourite smells such as fresh coffee and garden herbs, dressing up for dinner once a week, listening to the birds, music, theatre on line, Zoom conversations to keep in touch with club members (despite occasional Zoom fatigue), cutting my own hair, wine deliveries from our favourite local wine shop, yoga classes on the landing while Alison teaches on line in the box room/practice room, spending time in the garden (I have made myself a ‘priest seat’ where I can hide away and relax – a touch of monastic solitude).  Some are new activities, some are comforting familiar routines 

The future

I feel my life was kind of going along ‘in slumber’, that is very different now and the future is still uncertain

I hope to celebrate my 80^th birthday in September.  Hard to know how at the moment

I’d like to see my daughter out of lockdown, go for a walk with her, take her for a meal, take her to the sea

I hope my granddaughter Holly can start university in October

I hope we continue the habit of acknowledging and greeting neighbours and local people – shopkeepers, refuse collectors, the road sweeper.

And I hope to see you all before too long, in our different ways, running, drinking wine, talking about music, films and life.

Take care.  Running is still magic.